drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
