So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
