Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
