Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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