just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
