I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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