Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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