broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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