Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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