My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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