Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
