Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
