i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
