i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
