can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
