My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
its not stalking. its research.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
