And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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