so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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