One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
