I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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