i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
