So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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