I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
