We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
