Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
