i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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