he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
