He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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