I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
