guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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