The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
