I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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