Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
