he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
