There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
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I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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