Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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