I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize