dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
