they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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