apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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