I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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