I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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