At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
