i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
