I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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