im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
