I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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