I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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