I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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