And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
