I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
