I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
