Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
