So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I cut my penus on the lid.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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