My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
