I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
