my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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