i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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