My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
