i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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