omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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