no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
