sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
